I really noticed things were changing when she stopped following me around the house, and even shied away from me. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back I do now: she knew she was dying and she was trying to distance herself from me and the kids. Buckley knew it, I think, because he pretty much left her alone, and when she stopped eating, he started eating all of the dog food. Normally, Buckley was very reserved and always let Sadie eat first, and go outside first, and drink their water first...he just let her be in charge. Now, he knew she was dying, and he started eating more, and being more outgoing, where as before he was very quiet and almost shy. It started to get bad the first weekend in April. That Friday she stopped eating and drinking, even after a previous checkup to the Vet revealed she had lost 5 more pounds, her blood levels had spiked, and he suggested a new anti-nausea medication to help with the eating and drinking. She spat out the medication, and refused food. I tried to keep the Vet informed as to what was going on, how all weekend long she didn't eat, or drink, and she just wasn't herself.
That Monday was really rough. She just looked miserable, and I put her in my bed that morning and she didn't leave the bed all day. We discussed the possibility of putting her down, and then I started looking things up on the Internet about kidney failure in dogs. My least favorite quote, but the one that haunted me, said "it is not a dignified way for a dog to die." It hit me at that point, my "A-Ha" moment-I was letting my dog die in a painful way, and I was the only person who could end her misery. I cried and cried, and held her and cried some more. I felt awful for even thinking of it, because to me, I was not putting her to sleep, I was killing her. I just couldn't kill my baby girl! I prayed for her, I prayed for me, I prayed for peace to know that I was making the right decision. I spoke with our Vet that night about how my husband and I had talked about putting her down, and he said "Well, you know, you're probably doing the right thing, she won't last much longer, there is no shame in doing it, you're not a bad person." So I decided if she made it through the night, I would make the decision the next day.
I thought she died a few times in the night, because she was so still, and sputtering. But, in the morning, she was alive and laboring to breath. I explained to the boys that she was going to die that day, and I wanted them to take pictures with her for the last time. She perked up for pictures with them, and they gave her kisses on her head, and she just sat there looking at them with the same loving, motherly look she had since each one was born. She loved those boys, my boys, like they were her own children. I posted a few pictures of her with us at the header of the post....can you tell I'd been crying in my picture with her? I informed the Vet's office that we needed to put her down and end her suffering. Around lunch time, Todd was going to come home, take her to the Vet, and be with her as she died. I was in agony that day, all day long, until Todd came to get her. I laid by her and told her all sorts of things about how wonderful she was. She just laid there....and then she put her paw on my shoulder, like she was comforting me. I just sobbed. My loyal best friend was comforting me in her time of death. Todd came home, and she was so weak she couldn't walk, so he carried her to his car where I said my final goodbye. Before leaving, Todd told Gunnar to take care of me because I was going to be very sad all day long. She just sat there in the back seat, and had this look like "let's get this over with, I'm ready." I ran to my bathroom and cried on the floor for a few minutes. Then, Gunnar came in, gently put his hand on my shoulder and said, "OK, you've cried enough, come on out of here..." He helped me up, walked me to the kitchen, where I made lunch for the kids, and then managed to go about my day as normally as I could. My boys explained to their cousins that Sadie died, Gunnar even told one of them "My mom is sad 'cause our dog's dead, so go easy on her today."
And I began to worry about Buckley that night. Buckley had come to the front door when Todd was taking Sadie. They touched noses, and then his best friend was gone. We got Sadie when she was only 7 weeks old, and Buckley was around 9 months old. He let her chew all over his legs when we was teething, and he never complained. They were brother and sister, yet sweet and affectionate to each other as well. She taught him how to climb stairs, and jump on the bed. He taught her how to use their paws to slap each other when playing tug of war (which she always cheated at by biting his ears so he'd let go of the toy!)They were great playmates, but when the kids came along, he didn't fawn all over them like she did. In their later years they had become like an old married couple Now, his life partner was gone in an instant. I thought they were going to be like the dogs in the book"Where the Red Fern Grows,"and thought that once one died the other would too. I was nervous that he would get depressed and quit eating, but just the opposite happened. He was eating more, and seemed to relish the new attention he started to receive. We've even started taking him for rides in our Suburban, and he loves to sit in between Gunnar and Chase in the back seat. He's was still a little hesitant around the babies, and reluctant to come take naps with me, but we've had a talk and he's coming around.
I will never get over losing my girl, Sadie. There are sad reminders of her everywhere in my house. I tried to take a nap the day after she died, but I couldn't sleep because she always used to lay next to me. She always slept at my feet at night, and the bed just feels empty without her there. If it's night time, and there is something dark on the floor, I think it's her. Her pink dog bone toy still lays on the floor in the living room, and yes, it makes me sad. Todd told me that it didn't hit him until he had to take her collar off at the Vet's office. She had been giving morphine, and a glimpse of her old self was there in her eyes for just a moment before the euthanasia medicine kicked in. He said after she was gone, he went to take the collar from her neck, and usually if you touch a sleeping dog they jump up, but she just laid there. Buckley has started to do some of the things she used to do, like eating all of the food the babies drop at meal times, and he's even started to come find me and see what I'm doing during the day. He and I have grown much more close in our time of loss and grief.
So there it is, people. My sad, sad story. Of course, it's only sad if you are a pet parent, have grown up with a dog, and can sympathize with how I've felt. As I finish writing this post, I see Mason leaning on Buckely, who is laying down, looking at a book. I grew up with a wonderful dog, and I hope my sons have the same wonderful memories of growing up with a dog, or dogs, like I do.
